Home (Day 3747 - 2/27/20)

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They are gradually adding things back into their lives. For example, they did Breakfast Stream this morning and read the alerts. They are currently on their way to Charleston to pick up Sagan's ashes since they had Sagan cremated. Stephen says that he has been looking forward to today since it will give him some sense of closure bringing home Sagan's remains. He says that they don't plan on scattering Sagan's ashes because home was where he always was.

Then, he talks about how a week ago it was hard to think straight for the first few days after Sagan's passing. Afterwards, he started thinking about how he was going to have to make this drive back to Charleston, but it didn't hurt. Instead, he felt happy that he would be bringing Sagan back home. He says that it feels weird to make this drive again since they went on this exact drive a week ago under extremely different circumstances. At that time, he and Mallory were really anxious about what was happening to Sagan at that time. Stephen says that they had still thought that he was going to be okay and that it might've been just something he ate. So, they were holding onto that hope.

Stephen says that when they drove there last Thursday it was raining for the whole day, but today it's sunny. He says that the weather feels symbolic for how things have turned around for them in a week and how dark things were for them last week. Stephen says that it shows how much better they are feeling a week later. Stephen then talks about how there's still going to be pain and crying. He mentions that he read a comment that said that grief isn't linear and he completely agrees with that statement. Stephen talks about how the healing process isn't linear, there are still spikes of grief throughout it. He says that there are times where they remember a memory that which make them grieve again.

Stephen says that driving to Charleston takes about 2.5 hours. He then talks about how the crematory called him a few days ago and told them that they could mail them Sagan's remains. But, Stephen didn't feel good about having the remains mailed. Stephen says that if anything happened to his remains, then he would definitely not be okay and he would regret not going to get the remains in person. Stephen says that they will be missing Lunch Bunch again since they are going to pick up Sagan's remains. He says that it's a shame because he wanted to go this week since they haven't talked to Michael, William, Roland, Austin, and Nikki ever since Sagan passed. However, picking up Sagan's remains is important and Stephen is ready to bring Sagan home.

They arrive at Pet Rest Cemetery & Cremation services. Stephen says that it feels weird picking Sagan up from a place like this. He says that his overall experience today was positive because he's happy to bring Sagan home. Stephen says that he might sound crazy saying that, but he wants to be open and honest with how he's feeling. He's happy that Sagan is going to be laid to rest with them and it gives him some level of comfort knowing that. After getting Sagan's remains, Stephen talks about how the receptionist told him how she really loved "Sagan" as a name for a cat. Stephen told her that he lived up to his name as he was a really smart cat and that he had a brother at home named Kepler. The receptionist said that "Kepler" is a great name too. Stephen says that it was nice that someone understood the names because sometimes people don't get it. He says that sometimes people have pronounced "Sagan" as "Sa-ghan" or "Sagian". Mal says that she really like the name of the dog they had in there whose name was Guggenheim.

On the drive home, Stephen mentions that Steve is spending the day with Kepler to keep him company and feed him. He says that now that Sagan is gone, there won't be anyone with Kepler when they both aren't at home. Stephen says that it hurts knowing that Kepler is there all by himself. He mentions that the drive ended up being 3 hours since the crematory was a bit further than the vet.

Back at home, Stephen mentions how they received more condolence cards yesterday. One of the cards was from the vet in Charleston. They also received a condolence card from Thomas, Brittany, and Bruiser. Mal then mentions that she also received one from her mom. Stephen says that there was also a box of flowers from Chewie when they came home. He had heard rumors that Chewie have been known to do this sort of thing. Stephen explains that they had received a shipment of food of 48 cans for Sagan last Wednesday, but Sagan passed away the next day. So, they had asked Chewie if they could get a refund. Chewie refunded their card and then told them to donate the food. Stephen says that they will donate the food soon.

Then, they both sit down on the couch and take out the bag that contains the box with Sagan's remains. It came with a certificate of death for Sagan and a card thanking them for using this service. The card mentions that it is customary that the remains are buried, scattered, or placed in a decorative urn. It also says that there is a pet loss support group that can be joined every month. Stephen says that there were options for what container to put the ashes in, but he and Mal wanted to have something custom-made. So, they went with the plastic box option. This will be temporary until they can get a more finalized urn. For now, they are going to put Sagan's ashes on their shelf. Stephen says that there is something final about holding this box of ashes and it has a lot to do with the fact that Sagan's name is on it.

He is still feeling sad, but he's proud of how much progress they've made with their healing process in the last week. Stephen says that this is something you don't just get over and that it will stay with them for a lifetime. They won't be returning to their old normal, so they will have to adapt to this new normal where Sagan isn't there. Stephen says that it's comforting knowing that Sagan's home and that no matter what happens or where they go, they can always bring him with them. He says that it's probably difficult for people who had buried a pet and had to move. Stephen says that the most important thing is that Sagan is always with them because he's always in their hearts. Mal mentions how he has all the photos and videos of Sagan. Stephen says that he's a lucky person and that he's probably one of the only pet owners that has this much material of their pet. He's grateful that he has it and that he's gonna need it because it's gonna hurt for forever.

Stephen says that he's getting to point where he can think fondly of different things. After Sagan's passing, the only thing he could think of was Sagan's last moments. However, that's not how he wants to remember Sagan because his final moments don't define his whole life. He's glad that in the past few days he's been able to remember Sagan more fondly and remember better times. Stephen says that it was very hard to say goodbye, but he's happy that things are changing mentally for him to the point where he can remember him how as he was. He remembers how he would laugh as Sagan played. Stephen is grateful to have known him. He is going to remember all the good times he had with Sagan and all the joy he brought to everyone. Stephen says that he's probably going to continue to cry off-camera, but it's okay because crying is a necessary release.

Stephen thanks the viewers for joining them on this hard journey. He understands if some viewers can't watch these vlogs because this last week worth of vlogs have been hard to watch. Stephen says that it's been hell to live through, but things are getting better. He says that if he thinks of stuff about Sagan or finds anything he wants to share, then he will share it with everyone. Stephen says that Sagan's memory will live on and that they will continue to talk fondly of him. They will also continue to take good care of Kepler. He mentions that as soon as they sat down on the couch, Kepler went and laid down on his lap. Stephen says that they both have always said that he looks like a little shrimp because he curls up like a shrimp when laying down. Finally, they both say "I love you" and "I miss you" to Sagan.