He Was Very Loved (Day 3741 - 2/21/20)

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Stephen says that people are probably surprised that they made a video at all. They debated on whether to film anything today and they decided to film something. There have been so many comments that they have received over the years from people who look up to them as role models and look to them for strength. This has meant a lot to Stephen and he thought that it would be disingenuous to viewers to not tell the full story. Yesterday's events were really hard for them and is still hard for them. But, it was important for them to show that life goes on. Stephen says he wanted this part of the story to be told. He says that they might just be rambling a lot in the following days. The vlogs might just consist of random thoughts about their current feelings, but it will be therapeutic for them to get their feelings out. Stephen hopes that it's also therapeutic for some viewers who might've gone through this before or will be going through this soon. If these vlogs help someone, then he's all for it.

On the car ride home yesterday, he and Mallory talked about their current feelings, about Sagan, and about how much they loved him. They talked about the little things he did that they liked or that made them laugh. Yesterday, they both bawled their eyes out. Stephen had never cried as much as he did yesterday and he didn't know he could physically cry that much. By the end of the night, they both felt dehydrated from crying so much to the point where they felt like they needed to drink water.

When they arrived home, it was a huge punch to the gut. Their house was full of things that reminded them of Sagan. Mal had been ordering Sagan's food from Chewy and a box of it just arrived on Wednesday. So, they have an entire supply of his food sitting there. When Emile and Masae were here, Masae gave the cats a subscription to meowbox. The meowbox had been delayed and it's just sitting on the counter unopened. They talk about how Sagan loved toys and that Kepler would play a little, but toys were Sagan's thing. When they had received the 1st meowbox last month, Sagan ran up to the box, took something, and ran away with it. Their house is also full of cat hair, so Sagan's cat hair is everywhere.

Stephen talks about how they feel like they made the best decision for Sagan given the circumstances. Sagan's chances of surviving the surgery were low because he would most likely die from infection. He's happy that he didn't have to suffer. Based on talking to the vet, Sagan didn't seem like he was in pain during his last few days. He just felt feverish and tired, but he wasn't in pain. If they didn't let him pass and brought him home, then Sagan would've entered a painful state. Mal has told him a story of someone who elected to do that and it awful for the cat which ended up screeching in pain. Stephen just couldn't do that to Sagan. They were glad that Sagan was able to go peacefully. They both decided to be in the room during the procedure where they put him to sleep with anesthesia and then applied a 2nd injection to take him out. They couldn't bear the thought of Sagan dying on the table, so they laid him across both their laps and he was purring as he passed away.

They've already cried a lot and will probably continue doing so. It's still fresh and it really hurts, so only time can heal their wounds. They are both very appreciative of the ER vet in Charleston as she was so helpful and honest. She was heartbroken for them and had tears in her eyes, but she was still trying to be professional. Stephen says that a person has to be really strong to do this job. They gave Sagan the world and tried their best for him until the very end. They would've gone anywhere if there was a way to save him. For example, Mal says that if there was someone in Texas that could've helped Sagan, then they would have instantly called Austin to help them book a flight there. It was really hard for them to make the call to put Sagan down. But, being able to hold him and see him go peacefully gave them some reassurance that they made the right decision.

There's a quote from the Art of War that Stephen lives by a little bit: "Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak". Stephen spent 2 days appearing strong even though he was really worried for Sagan. Mal has anxiety and Stephen has learned how to identify it and help her through it. He's doesn't typically get anxious about things, but he was so anxious about Sagan. Stephen didn't know what was going on with Sagan and he tried to have a positive outlook by telling himself that there's no way that it was something serious. Sagan was only 7 years old and he knows that this doesn't exclude him, but he was so young. They always took Sagan to his annual check-ups and he was doing well. All of a sudden, they were taking him to the vet and were being told that he had this large mass inside him. Stephen was thinking that he must've just eaten something he shouldn't have and that it couldn't be something else because Sagan was feeling fine a few days ago. Sagan was even on Breakfast Stream on Tuesday. During the stream, Mal had gone downstairs and brought him up. Stephen has told Mal that he was so grateful she did that because that was the last time he would ever be on a stream.

On Wednesday, Sagan wouldn't eat. But, after he got an injection from the vet, he was able to eat a little bit. For the rest of the night, they tried to get him to eat something. In desperation, they even tried opening up some freeze-dried chicken treats Mal had ordered from Chewy for Sagan's birthday. The cats adored these treats and would go nuts for it. But, Sagan wouldn't eat it even though he would normally bite their fingers in his attempt to eat it.

During their grieving process, they second-guessed themselves a lot. They wondered if their final choice was correct, whether there were signs that they should've caught onto earlier, and whether they had failed Sagan. But, they had to keep telling themselves that they adored him and they did everything they could. Stephen says that guilt makes you want to blame someone or something for this situation, but you just end up blaming yourself. It's also not anybody's fault, it's just circumstantial. They also feel anger and bitterness over what happened since it was so sudden. Stephen says that it's been helpful to go through this grief with Mal. They can be there for each other and tell each other not to blame themselves. They always took him to his annual check-ups and would take him to the vet if anything was wrong. One time, they noticed a lump under Sagan's tongue and they took Sagan to the vet to get it surgically removed just in case. They don't have children, so the cats are like their kids.

Then, he talks about how there are still 2.5 months of 2018 vlogs that they haven't released yet. It's been so long that Stephen doesn't remember what the contents are, but he knows that Sagan is going to be in those vlogs. It's going to be odd for him to edit them because Sagan's going to be alive in them. He's happy that he will get to relive some of those memories of Sagan. Stephen says that it's not going to hurt to work on these vlogs, but it will hurt once he finishes them and there are no more. But, it's not something he has to worry about right now. Stephen says that he knew he needed to start the grieving and healing process, so he had to work on editing these vlogs. He told Mal that he couldn't bear the thought of stepping away from everything and then coming back to edit it in a few days. He didn't want to have to relive it again while editing it a week later. Stephen says that this is probably not how most people would approach this problem, but that's what he thought would be best for him. Mal agreed that she also didn't want to face it again in a week. The videos on StephenPlays were already uploaded, so he just had to edit the vlogs on Wednesday and Thursday. Viewers were so excited that the vlogs were caught up when he released vlog Day 3739. Then, he released the last vlog with Sagan on the same day it was filmed which he never does. Then, he announced on Twitter that they were going to take a step back from the internet.

He doesn't know when they will release the vlogs filmed after Sagan's passing. Stephen and Mal are just taking things one hour at a time, one day at a time. They don't know what they should do. So, they might sometimes door dash dinner and try to swallow food that doesn't taste like anything. They might nibble a plain piece of toast just to eat something or sit there and talk to each other. Stephen says that they barely ate anything on Thursday and just door dashed some food and tried to get it down. They also worked on everything, so that they could take a step back from the internet for a few days. Stephen says that every hour feels like an emotional roller coaster. They would sit on the couch and cry. Then, they would lay on the bed, talk, and then continue to cry. Stephen cried until he was so physically exhausted that he passed out.

Stephen talks about how it's been important for them to grieve in a positive way. He says that the worse thing you can do is suppress how you feel. It has been helpful to him that Mal is going through the same thing because they can discuss things together. They talked about how when someone in your life that you love dies, the experience you have to always going to be different from every other person. For example, if his parents died, then Mal would be sad. But, they aren't her parents so the grief she feels would be different than his grief. Mal says that it's because every person has different histories with different people. The only time they're on an equal playing field is with their cats. Mal has experienced the same things with Sagan that he has. They both picked him up from the cat shelter, they both loved him a lot, and they both spent equal time with him. Stephen says that they've been finishing each other's grief sentences while grieving and reminiscing about Sagan. Mal compares their synched emotions to feeling the same sensations when riding in the same roller coaster car.

Stephen says not to judge him if he decides to release these vlogs soon. Releasing these vlogs would be helpful to him because it gives him some sense of normalcy. He has seen a few comments and tweets and finds solace in the fact that so many people appreciated Sagan. Stephen knows many people who have lost pets in the past year, but none of those pets had the reach that Sagan did. Then, he talks about how he had documented Sagan's entire life through the vlog which is nice because he has all these memories to look back on. Stephen feels that he isn't alone since so many people are grieving with them. Mal says that all the art, comments, and support mean a lot. She says "he was very loved". Stephen says that he will keep making videos chronicling how they are feeling. He understands if some people find it hard to watch and have to watch this vlog later.

Next, Mal talks about how she had scheduled a physical examination for 6 months after their first Hepatitis A shot before going to China. They were supposed to do it yesterday, but they couldn't because of Sagan's health. They decided to do it today so that they didn't have to think about other responsibilities like paying rent. They laid in bed with Kepler, held each other, and cried. Afterwards, they ate some toast to try and restore some vague sense of normalcy.

Stephen talks about how he had called his dad to come over to watch Sagan when they had their doctor's appointments on Wednesday. Steve watched the cats and sent them update pictures of Sagan every 10 minutes. His dad loves animals and adores their cats. Anytime they were out of town, Steve would come over to feed the cats. Then, he would spend many hours there playing with the cats or brushing them. Stephen says that he called his parents after they got home from Charleston. Debra was still at work, so he called his dad first. Steve had been worried about Sagan and asked them how Sagan was doing. His dad burst into tears after Stephen told him that they had to put Sagan down. Stephen felt bad for his dad because he had taken care of the cats so many times. While they were in China, a hurricane had happened. Both his parents brought Rocko over and stayed at their house with the cats. His parents were devastated for them.

Stephen mentions how people had been asking about how Kepler is doing. It's heartbreaking for them to watch Kepler because they can't explain to him what's going on. They had brought home Sagan's empty pet carrier which smelled like the vet, so Kepler had hissed at it. Kepler also sat with them while they were distraught over Sagan's passing. Last night, Kepler was confused because Sagan was no where to be found even though he always sleeps on the bed while Kepler slept on the floor of the bedroom. In the morning, the cats usually eat together. While Kepler was eating, he kept stopping and looking over because Sagan would usually try to steal his food. He kept looking, but Sagan wasn't there. Sagan had always tried to eat really fast in order to go steal Kepler's food. After lunch, Kepler started walking around the house looking for Sagan because they would usually play with each other after lunch. He was pacing everywhere looking for his brother. Stephen and Mal cuddled with Kepler.

Stephen says that will be trying to work through this in a positive way. They are never going to completely get over this because they just lost a family member. Stephen says that he doesn't want to consider them as just pets because that diminishes where they stand in his eyes. Mal talks about how Sagan had so much personality. Stephen says that yesterday was the hardest day of his life and he cried more than ever. He has never lost a close family member before. Stephen has lost a lot of grandparents and both great-grandfathers, and he cried when they died. But, Stephen lives far away from them and doesn't see them often, so it doesn't compare to losing Sagan. The amount of emotional attachment is different because he has fed, cleaned his litter box, and has spent hours with Sagan.

Mal reminisces about how Sagan would smile when she'd scratched his chin during Breakfast Stream. Stephen says that he loves his extended family, but he has never had a loss that hurt this bad. It's going to be hard for them to wake up and face another day without Sagan. Debra had asked them if they needed anything and they asked for a pizza that they could heat up for dinner. He appreciated that his mom did that because they don't feel like going anywhere. Stephen thanks everyone for loving Sagan and that he's the best cat he's ever known. He describes Sagan as being bright, having a great personality, and being a free thinker. They also love Kepler a lot and don't want to diminish him. Both cats were just so different with Kepler acting more on instinct while Sagan would be the thinker. Sagan would try and create diversions to steal chicken, open doors, and knew how to get into the treats. He was taken too soon.