Marginally Better Everyday (Day 3742 - 2/22/20)

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Stephen talks about how Sagan and Kepler ate different food. On Wednesday, they were trying to get Sagan to eat something, but he even refused to eat his favorite treats. Out of desperation, they opened a can of his new food, but he barely ate any of it. Stephen is currently holding that same can of food that they opened for Sagan which he is going to give to Kepler. Kepler doesn't normally eat this food, but he can eat anything because he has an iron stomach. Stephen says that he gave a 1/3 of the food in the can to Kepler yesterday morning, but ended up bursting into tears when he went to give him some more of that food in the evening. He says that grief is like a roller coaster where you are sometimes at the top and are ugly-crying and screaming because there's so much pain. Then, there is a calm and numbness when you're at the bottom of that roller coaster.

In the house, there are also 2 trays on the floor where the cat bowls are placed on top of. They will have to eventually wash Sagan's tray and put it away, but it reminds them of Sagan. Stephen usually makes the cats sit before giving them food. But, he didn't feel like doing it this morning, so he just gave Kepler his food. Stephen talks about how Sagan would eat fast in order to steal Kepler's food, so Stephen had to stand there and be the referee between them. He mentions that Kepler would sometimes steal Sagan's food if he finished first.

Stephen says that the habit watching the cats as they eat is so ingrained that he just watched Kepler eat his food yesterday, even though Sagan can't steal his food anymore. Next, he talks about how when they came back from Charleston on Thursday, he looked into the litter box and there wasn't anything in there. It felt weird because he's so used to always scooping the litter box for 2 cats. Stephen then mentions that it had snowed the night Sagan died. It was rare because it rarely snows in Myrtle Beach. It felt like the universe was crying out about losing a great cat that day.

Stephen says that after his mom brought them pizza yesterday, they only ate some of it. They hadn't eaten in so long that the 1st piece tasted really good. But, when they tried to eat more, it just tasted like nothing to them. He and Mal have been watching some videos about uplifting stories from a YouTube channel they are subscribed to called Great Big Story. They both like these mini documentary type videos. They both enjoyed it, but started losing focus after watching for a while. So, they turned it off and talked for while.

Mallory's aunt and cousin had decided to make a puzzle of their large family tree, when her grandma turned 90 last year. Mal then felt like doing that puzzle, so they did it together. Stephen comments that it was funny because it took them 3 hours to finish this 1,000 piece puzzle, even though it took them 7 hours to finish another 1,000 piece puzzle for an April Fool's video. He says that this puzzle might have been easier because there were names, frames, and pictures. Mal explains that her cousin designed it so that each generation had a different colored frame. The men have a squared frame, while the women have circular frames. Stephen comments on how cool it is that he's in the family tree puzzle too. He mentions that it was in the middle of doing this puzzle that he fed Kepler and started crying. Mal knew that he was crying because he saw Sagan's food and they cried together. He had never bawled so hard that he was gasping for air. Stephen says that the goal they made for themselves is marginally better every day.

They never imagined that it would be this hard. He talks about how people experience pain and loss differently. Stephen says that he has felt loss before, but Sagan's loss was particularly painful. He thinks that it might be because he works from home and has spent almost every waking hour with the cats. It was common for the cats to spend the whole day on his lap or near him. Stephen recalls when they were still living in the old apartment and there were no separate rooms. The cats were still kittens and would chase each other and get into things all the time. They were so small that they would both sleep on his lap after tiring themselves out. He says that he spent a lot of time with them especially at the apartment. Stephen has also spent a lot of time with them in his current office upstairs.

Then, he talks about how there are parts to the grieving process. There is grieving and then there is an attempt to return to normalcy. He says that it's important to confront the pain and not run away from it. After experiencing some pain, you try and return to normalcy. Stephen says that the vlog is an archive of his life and his thoughts because he won't have these thoughts and memories forever. So, he wants his thoughts and the grief he feels to be out there through the vlogs.

Stephen thanks Lindsey for coming over yesterday because it was a good return to normalcy. She grieved with them and recounted the time when her dog Fritz passed away. They had a lot of mutual understandings through the loss of pets. Stephen then talks about how he got an email last night that said he received a DoorDash gift card from Lindsey, Dan, Karley, and Kyle which he really appreciates. It's hard for them to want to leave the house and do something, so it's easier for them to have food delivered. They both love cooking, but even the idea of making food right now is hard. Then, he talks about how they have stayed off the internet except for the occasional look at the comments about Sagan on Twitter or YouTube. He adores the comments that were left, but he has to mentally prepare himself that he will cry every time he reads them.

Stephen says that it's been cold lately. Mal mentions that last night has been the coldest night at about 20°F. It's supposed to warm up to 53°F today which is still cold for them. Stephen says that one of their favorite things to do when life is pushing them down is to walk on the beach. He states that today's a good day to take a walk because it probably won't get any warmer than 53°F.

Stephen and Mal go to the beach area near the Caribbean Resort and Villas for a walk. He mentions that this is where they got married and it makes them feel good because they have happy memories here. Mal digs out a conch shell from the sand. She mentions that they don't normally see any this big unless it's after a hurricane. It's been a long time since they've taken a walk on the beach. It's really cold, but he says that it was nice to get out and get some fresh air. Stephen normally doesn't wear shoes to the beach, but it was so cold that he decided to wear shoes. He regrets not wearing gloves because his hand that is holding the vlog camera is getting cold. Stephen then talks about how there are not a lot of people on the beach. He says that most of the tourists who come to Myrtle Beach during February are people who can handle cold temperatures like people from the Midwest and Canada. Stephen then talks about how they live across from a golf course and there are people still golfing every day despite the cold weather.

Back at home, Mal uses the fabric stick cat toy to play with Kepler. Stephen talks about how Kepler is not big on toys. So, it was really special anytime they found a toy Kepler would interact with. Kepler was more scared of toys than a usual cat would be. But, he's trying hard to play. Kepler's version of playing is gently lifting his paws up and trying to grab the toy. On the other hand, Sagan would just run as fast as he could at the toy and would end up running into things. Stephen thinks that Sagan being a bully was partially the reason why he's not big on toys. When the cats were introduced to a new toy, Sagan would just take it and hold it in his mouth. If Kepler would get close to him, then Sagan would start growling at him. Even when they bought 2 of each toy, Sagan would hold the 1st one and then would drop it, and get the 2nd one if Kepler got close to it. It was like Sagan was saying that all the toys belonged to him. This may have made Kepler feel like play time was for Sagan and not him. When Kepler would try playing, Sagan would make it all about him. They would try and go out of their way to play with Kepler, but it was a completely different experience from playing with Sagan.

Stephen says that Sagan was food-motivated and toy-motivated. The only thing Sagan loved more than food was play time. Every night before bed, Sagan would wait at the foot of the bed for Stephen to get under the covers. Then, he would choose that exact second to jump onto the edge of the bed. Sagan also had this cute double meow where he would just jump on the bed and meow twice to signify that he's in play mode. Stephen keeps cat toys in his nightstand and he would play with Sagan on the bed. Sagan would run around, jump, and do flips while trying to catch the toy. Stephen says that he has been slowly reading through all the comments on some of the vlogs and someone had linked a Twitter video he had posted a year ago of Sagan playing on the bed. He decided to post it on YouTube in the Astronocats playlist so that the video doesn't get lost.

Stephen talks about how they didn't let their cats into the bedroom at the old house because of their old bed. They were afraid that the cats would go under the bed and the bed would collapse on top of them at night. They bought a new bed now, so they let the cats come in their room again. He says that Sagan would play on the bed and Kepler would be on the floor next to the bed because it was Sagan's play time. When Sagan got a little tired, Stephen would move the cat toy towards Kepler who was on the floor so that he could play.

Stephen thinks that Kepler might change if they keep playing with him. He's not trying to turn Kepler into Sagan. Stephen thinks that there are things about the cats and their personalities that existed because the other cat was around. He says that Kepler's personality might change because he will be the only cat in the house now. Stephen remembers talking to Emile a little while after Teddy passed and Emile told him that Kirby had changed a bit after Teddy passed away. Teddy was always the alpha cat and Kirby was the more submissive one. So, Stephen thinks Kepler's personality might change a little bit as well. Stephen says that play time is important to him and he knows that Kepler at least gets some level of joy out of it, so he's going to play with him more. They might try to put him on the bed to help him understand that play time was never off-limits to him, and that Sagan won't get mad at him for getting on the bed anymore.

Then, Stephen mentions that his parents took them out to eat this evening. They also stopped by his parents' house to pick up some stuff and got to see Rocko. Stephen's parents also came over to help them clean the house which meant a lot to them. He says that they were in the middle of cleaning the house and were getting started on a lot of things when Sagan passed. Stephen says that it was hard enough to deal with what was going on, but it's harder to deal with it in a cluttered environment. So, he appreciates their help.

Stephen then remembers that Kepler's thing is headbutting. Sagan only headbutted them a few times, so it was Kepler's thing. One of the things Sagan did was huff loudly whenever he was displeased in any way. Stephen had never seen any other cat do that. Sagan would huff when they would stop while playing with him or when he was told that it wasn't meal time yet when begging for food.

Then, they talk about how the days are a lot easier than the nights. Their sadness increases towards night time. Today is Saturday, so they would normally be recording for Stephen & Friends, but they aren't recording today. Their friends are still on Discord chatting, but they can't bring themselves to chat. Stephen says that everyone has a social limit and normally their limit is very high. But, it has become very low after Sagan passed. Stephen loves his friends, but he really doesn't feel like talking to 8-10 people right now. Stephen then talks about how he has been feeling physically and emotionally exhausted from crying and thinking. It's only 11:00 PM and he feels like passing out. Their goal for today was for it to be marginally better than yesterday which it was. Stephen says that it will take a long time for them to feel normal and they probably will never fully heal. But, they are just going to take things day by day.

Stephen mentions that at the beach he just thought of something and just burst into tears. Mal held him and consoled him. At home, Mal had asked Stephen to put some stuff in the closet. They put the papers they need to shred or file in the closet. She also asked if he could move Sagan's cage, which was also in there, because it was hard for her to see it every time she went in the closet. Stephen says that he had put it in the middle of the closet because Kepler was hissing at it when they brought it home and Kepler doesn't go in the closet. He sorted the paperwork in the piles and then he saw the cage. Once Stephen saw the cage, he just got on the floor and started bawling. Stephen explains that he doesn't know when he's going to burst into tears and what the reason will be. Sometimes something that makes them cry one day, won't make them cry the next day. There were also times where their laughter suddenly turns into tears and vice versa.

Stephen compares grief to a roller coaster. He says that everyone deals with it differently, but there is no single definitive way to grieve. There may be some unhealthy ways to grieve, but there is no single good way to grieve. They are both working through this slowly. Stephen says that it hurts more than they thought it would and that nothing could've prepared him for this. They are both really heartbroken. Kepler then lies cutely on Stephen's lap. Stephen says that Kepler has been by their side and comforting them. This morning, Kepler was just purring on the bed as they pet him. Stephen says that one thing about Kepler that is different from Sagan is that Kepler is very sweet. Sagan was also sweet, but not as much as Kepler was. Stephen says that Kepler isn't the smartest cat, but he is very sweet. He then mentions that Kepler has been clingy these past few days. Stephen assumes that it might be because Sagan's not here, he's lonely, or that he can tell something is wrong. Stephen says that they are going to stick to their idea of not having an agenda for any day.