We Don't Really Know What To Do With Ourselves (Day 3743 - 2/23/20)

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Stephen, Mallory, Dan, and Lindsey have lunch at Olive Garden. Stephen says that his favorite part of going to Olive Garden is the mint chocolate given at the end of the meal. He had folded up the mint chocolate package to look like there was still a mint inside and asks Dan to try it. Dan is tricked into thinking there is a mint inside and opens it to find it empty.

Back at home, Stephen says that these days feel like the longest days of his life. They are feeding Kepler a leftover chicken tenderloin that they had cooked for Sagan on Wednesday night to try to get him to eat. Stephen talks about how they had tried to feed Sagan a new can of cat food, treats, and etc. They were having chicken tenderloins for dinner that night and Mal was so worried that Sagan wasn't eating, so she cooked a separate chicken tenderloin with no seasoning for Sagan. But, he didn't eat it so they are now giving it to Kepler who adores it. Stephen says that they have both been spoiling Kepler these past few days. For example, they have been giving him a lot of treats. He also says that he doesn't have the heart right now to scold Kepler when he jumps on the kitchen counters.

Next, Stephen talks about how they had been having lunch with Dan and Lindsey on Sundays for a while. They both debated on whether they wanted to go today and decided that it would be good for them to go. Stephen says that they would've love to hang out for longer, but their current social interaction limits are not very high. It's hard because they don't really know what to do with themselves. They both had a discussion about how they don't know what they should be doing. Stephen says that they feel restless staying at home and don't feel like going out or sleeping. He explains that everything just feels like it sucks and there's no magical way to get through all this quickly.

Then, Stephen talks about how all of Sagan's food from Chewy was arrived on Wednesday. Sagan never got to eat any of it, so they have 48 cans of cat food sitting there. Stephen explains that it was the only food that Sagan could eat without getting diarrhea and that it's pretty expensive. Mal had sent an email to Chewy asking if it would be possible to return the food. The company emailed back saying not to worry about it and that they would refund the cost to their credit card. They also told them to just donate the food to an animal shelter. Stephen says that they will probably take it to Cat Tails which is where they adopted Rocko, Sagan, and Kepler. He then talks about how the cats originally had names that the shelter employees gave them. Rocko was named Leo, Sagan was Kronos, and Kepler was Siddhartha.

Stephen says that Kepler's been helping them a lot by cuddling with them. He mentions that Kepler has always been a cuddle bug. Stephen says that Kepler has been jumping up and snuggling with them anytime they are sitting on the couch, laying with them in bed, and was near them while they were doing the family tree puzzle. Stephen mentions that both cats are lap cats, so they often each had one cat on their lap. But, now they have to share one cat which has been a little hard. The good thing is that Kepler switches between both their laps.

Mal then talks about how Kepler has a spot shaped like an upside-down heart on his right front leg. Stephen says that one of the hardest things for him is that Kepler doesn't like to be held like Sagan did. He explains that they could hold Sagan like a baby or upside-down and he wouldn't mind. Stephen says that he could easily clean Sagan's ears and cut his nails. He mentions that there's a video of him cutting Sagan's nails and that cutting cat nails is notorious for being very difficult for cat owners. Stephen says that he could cut all of Sagan's nails in a minute, but with Kepler it's like a fight. Kepler is also always sharpening his nails, so his nails are very sharp.

Then, they talks about how they feel like every day has been marginally better. Stephen says that he feels physically and emotionally exhausted to the point where he felt like crying, but couldn't physically cry. He doesn't have the energy and his eyes are puffy and sore. Stephen says that their emotions have been a constant up and down. But, they're doing their best to introduce humor where they can. Stephen says that humor is his thing and that he's built his whole career on humor. He's been trying to make himself and Mal laugh to give them a little break in between the sadness. Sometimes they will start crying even after laughing. Currently, they aren't sure what to do because they used up a lot of their energy just going to lunch.

For dinner, Stephen is having leftover spaghetti from his lunch this morning. He is surprised about how well spaghetti reheats. Both of haven't really had much of an appetite the past few days, but Stephen suddenly felt like eating spaghetti during lunch. Stephen says that he ate less than half of it even though he felt like he had an appetite at the moment. He talks about how he's just been eating whenever he feels like he's hungry because he's worried that he has not been eating enough food.

They decided to play Pandemic which they have only played once with Emile and Masae since it can be played with only 2 players. Stephen mentions that he had edited and released yesterday's vlog. Viewers were commenting on how Stephen had returned to work so early. Stephen says that it doesn't feel like he's returned to working since he's been mostly staying off the internet and has only been editing vlogs. He says that he hasn't worked on anything other than vlogs since videos for StephenPlays have already been scheduled for days. Stephen explains that editing gives him a sense of normalcy. He says that he's just working through the grief of that day by editing the vlog soon as opposed to having to deal with it later.

Mal says that she is tired, but can't sleep because she has been having trouble sleeping. She doesn't really feel hungry, so she has to try and eat a little bit. There are also times when she considers watching a movie, but reconsiders because that requires sitting for a long time. Stephen says that he finally cried today. He had said this morning that he couldn't physically cry because he was so exhausted. After crying, Stephen felt so drained that he wanted to pass out. For as awful of an experience this has been, Stephen is glad that he can go through this with Mal. Mal says that it nice that they can be there for each other. Stephen comments that it is nice to be able to spend time together with her. He is appreciative that he doesn't have to go through it alone.

Later, they finished playing Pandemic and ended up losing. They also played some steam games like Streets of Rogue and Death Road to Canada. Stephen says that they usually have 1 controller plugged into the TV, but the controller cable is too short so they also use a USB extension cable. However, they needed to plug in another controller for Mal, but they didn't have a 2nd USB extension cable. Mal solved the issue by just telling Stephen to move the couch closer to the TV.

It's been an exhausting few days for both of them and they are still hurting. Their goal still is to make sure that every day is marginally better than the last. Stephen says that it kind of feels like their emotions are on a timer. He says that there are times where he can tell that it's almost time for him to start crying again. Stephen says that he hopes that he feels comfortable enough to return the vlog to normal soon. He explains that he hasn't been writing video descriptions, putting an end screen at the end of the video, or monetizing the videos for the past few days. Stephen says that it doesn't feel right to profit off of his grief and sadness. He just wants to share his grieving process with people. Stephen says that he hasn't been putting end screens at the end of videos because the end screen has links to their merchandise store which is a form of making profit. He talks about how he was definitely not going monetize the vlog of the day of Sagan's passing because that would be repulsive. It also felt weird for them to monetize the vlogs following that day. Stephen hopes that they feel better soon, so that things can go back to normal. He says that if everything is okay tomorrow and he feels alright, then he might try to return the vlog to normal. For example, enabling ads; putting an end screen; and writing a description. But, for now he is not quite ready to start doing the normal outro yet.