Candle-Lighting Memorial (Day 3751 - 3/2/20)

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Their vet had sent them a card after Sagan passed which came with a Furry Angel Memorial Candle. The idea is that you have a candle-lighting memorial ceremony every Monday night at 10 PM EST for pets that have passed. So, they thought it would be appropriate for them to light the candle. Stephen warns the viewers that this vlog will be a bit sad.

They put the container with Sagan's ashes, flowers that Chewy sent, a picture of Sagan, a clay mold of Sagan's pawprint, and Sagan's favorite lobster toy around the memorial candle. Stephen explains that every month Mallory makes Patreon prints for patrons in her collector tier and one of the photos she took for the prints had Sagan in it. They ended up not sending that photo off, so that they would have it. They also didn't want to make anyone sad by receiving a print of Sagan after he had just passed. The clay mold of Sagan's pawprint was given to them by the specialty care place in Charleston where they had to put Sagan down. Stephen says that they had the mold baked, so it's now permanent. He mentions that they found one of Sagan's whiskers on it that didn't get baked into the mold and the mold also has a few strands of his fur embedded in it. Stephen says that they will light the candle at 10 PM and say some nice things. He is glad that Kepler is here with them for this memorial.

Stephen tearfully reads the words written on the candle: "Grieve not, nor speak of me with tears, but laugh and talk of me as if I were beside you. I loved you so, 'twas heaven here with you." He says that it's been a crappy week and a half. They both feel like months have passed. Mal says that it feels like Sagan was just here. Stephen says that there have been many times in the past week where they would both say that Sagan was just here and then break down in tears.

Recently, he has been trying to catch up on emails because he had completely stepped away from all that. But, everything he's doing is reminding him of Sagan. When going through emails sent on February 20th, he just feels like there's a pit in his stomach. He knows that Sagan is already gone and that checking emails has no effect on anything. But, he will think about things like how this email was sent at the same exact time that they were in a room at the specialty care place with Sagan or the day before when they were really concerned that something was wrong with Sagan. Stephen is still having a really hard time accepting that Sagan's gone but, he guarantees that he will never forget Sagan. Mal says that Sagan was a special boy and Stephen really wants that to be a legacy for him because he was a special cat. Stephen says that Sagan was extremely intelligent and always tried to figure things out.

Stephen says that it's really important for him to share this experience because he wants people to know that it's okay to cry and mourn. He says that it's never acceptable to tell someone that it was just a cat, a pet, or an animal because they are members of the family. Stephen says that he loves the cats as if they were his children, so a loss like this was incredibly difficult. He says that every day has been better, but there is still a hole there that will never be filled. Mal says that sometimes it's not about healing or returning to normal, but picking up the pieces of what's left and carrying it.

Then, Stephen talks about how he loves Kepler so much. Stephen says that Kepler spent a lot of his time sleeping in his lap even before Sagan passed, but he's doing it more than ever after Sagan passed. He says that Kepler is a cuddle bug and he really appreciates Kepler.

Stephen can't figure out the words to say, but he knows that this a memorial candle and that the idea is to honor Sagan's memory. He talks about how much pain they have felt and how what's shown on the vlog is just a drop in the bucket for the amount of pain they have felt. Stephen says that Sagan's memory will not be forgotten and that they will continue to love him. Stephen is grateful for the time he was able to spend with Sagan. They will remember his double meow, how crafty he was like when he created a distraction to steal chicken, and how he was always ready to play before bed. Mal talks about how she would peek out the bathroom door while brushing her teeth and Sagan would just be there waiting for them to be ready for bed. After they finished, Sagan would jump on the bed and do his double meow. Mal says that he did that every night and it was just the cutest little thing.

Stephen hopes that he's done a good job of documenting Sagan's life and showing off the reasons why they loved him so much. He talks about how Sagan has double meowed ever since he was a kitten. Stephen says that Sagan was very inquisitive. He says that you could tell by the inflection of his meows that he was asking a question whenever you did something that confused him. Stephen also talks about how there was a routine Sagan did every morning in every place they've ever lived in. In the morning, Sagan would follow Stephen to the bathroom and jump up onto the sink countertop. Then, he would stand up on his hind legs and put his front paws on Stephen's shoulders. Stephen explains that he would do this because he wanted to be held every morning and Sagan would purr like crazy. Stephen would then just carry him around as he opened all the windows in the morning. Finally, he would put Sagan down in the kitchen and start preparing the food for both cats. Stephen says that Sagan loved food.

Mal talks about how Sagan always had to be part of things. If she was cooking, then he would have to be in the kitchen. So, they started putting a stool in the kitchen for him which eventually became Sagan's helper stool. When Mal walked passed him to throw something in the trash, Sagan always wanted to sniff it. If she didn't let him sniff it, then he would meow at her. Mal says that he would sniff everything she was about to throw away because he needed to know what it was. Stephen says that Sagan also loved to play. He says that they are always throwing toys all the time. Stephen says that if you picked up a toy, then Sagan would always be ready to play. He liked throwing the toys right above Sagan's head because Sagan would jump really high for them. Stephen says that Sagan would play with all his might. Then, they talked about Sagan's belly that hangs down. Mal says that when he ran his belly would just swing back and forth. Stephen says that both cats let them pet them wherever. Oftentimes, he would sit down on the ground and just pet Sagan and Sagan would roll around. Stephen would sometimes just stick his face in Sagan's tummy and rub his face in his fur. He talks about how so many people have mentioned how soft Sagan is. Stephen says that even the vet technicians in Charleston mentioned how soft Sagan was. Mal says that Kepler is more silky than soft, while Sagan was soft like a bunny.

Stephen says that they wished they just filmed every minute of their entire lives because there are things they never caught on video. When they lived in the apartment, Mal would take off her socks and throw them at Stephen. Kepler thought that was the best thing. He would pick the sock up, drop it in his water dish, and then walk away. Sagan would then pick up the wet sock, realize it was wet, and just drop it on the floor. They both thought it was strange since the cats never did that and Kepler never does that with toys either.

Another time, Stephen and Mal were watching a trick show and there was this guy who would do flips and rolls with a dog sitting on him. There was one trick where he did a front roll and the dog would walk on his back as he rolled. Stephen was sure that Sagan could do that, so when they got home he tried it with Sagan. Stephen didn't think to do a forward roll, so he was trying to do a backwards roll instead. He was lying on his back on the bed trying to throw his legs over his head while trying to get Sagan to walk forward from his chest towards his crotch, and then up his back. But all of a sudden, Sagan loses his footing and goes into a spread eagle position and his butt lands on Stephen's mouth. Stephen and Sagan were both surprised and they both got out of that position as fast as they could. Mal was standing nearby laughing so hard that she was gasping for air. She says that Sagan had a look of shock that she would've never imagined a cat could have.

Stephen then talks about how Sagan would wake them up in the morning by sitting on their chest. He normally sat on Stephen's chest, but would occasionally sit on Mal's chest too. Stephen says that if they showed signs of waking up, then he would start purring. Mal says that sometimes she pretended to still be asleep, would slowly open her eyes, and look at him. Sagan would just be there sitting and waiting for them to wake up. Especially when Sagan was younger, he would be under the covers right by Stephen's face or down by Stephen's feet. There were times when he would just let Mal spoon him. Mal says that there have been about 2 times since they moved here where she was in bed and Sagan would paw at the comforter. She would then let him under the comforter and Sagan would just lay his head on Mal's arm and sleep.

Stephen says that Sagan was the first cat to figure out how to use the doggy door at their old apartment which led to the patio. Sagan also knew how to poop into the toilet. Stephen reminisces about how they had to stop toilet training when the cats were still kittens because Kepler couldn't get it and it was making him anxious. On the other hand, Sagan was able to get it. Sagan would also open every cabinet. Mal says that he knew how to get out, but he would just sit there, push the cabinet door, and let it slam because he liked the noise the door made when it slammed. Then, one of them would have to get him out of the cabinet so he would stop slamming the cabinet door. They both said that it might have been his way to get attention. Mal says that Sagan would often come into her studio to see what she was doing or go to sleep. She even made a bed out of towels on her Ikea shelf for him to sleep on. Ever since they moved to the new house, Sagan liked hiding behind her backdrop and would just sleep behind there. Stephen says that if they couldn't find him anywhere, then he would usually be behind the backdrop.

Stephen then talks about how the personalities of both of the cats really changed over the years from when they were kittens until now. He says that Sagan felt like the crazy one when they first got the cats. But, it was actually because Kepler was sick when they first got him. After he got better, Kepler turned out to be the crazy one. Stephen says that their personalities have slightly changed as they got older, but Kepler still has his moments where he just does whatever. Kepler has gotten a lot more chill though. On the other hand, Sagan was always the one who played hard. Stephen says that Sagan wasn't the braver of the two and just liked things the way they were. He talks about how they stopped taking the cats to his parents' house because the cats weren't enjoying themselves. Stephen says that Sagan would just spend most of the time inside his carrier where he felt safe while Kepler would explore. However, when Sagan got home he felt completely relaxed. Stephen says that they have a lot of photos of Sagan just laying spread out on his back with his soft belly showing.

Then, Stephen talks about how their friends and people on the internet have said that Sagan always looked grumpy. He comments that Sagan even looks grumpy in the picture they have on the table. Stephen says that despite his grumpy look, he was a happy cat. He says that Sagan had 2 distinct looks: his resting face and his face when he was alert and playing. Stephen says that when he was playing, his eyes were wide and he looked youthful like a kitten. His resting face on the other hand made him look like a wise stoic cat.

During Breakfast Stream, Sagan would go into Mal's arms and she would scratch him under his chin. Mal says that you could just see that he was smiling while she scratched his chin. Sagan would let them clean his ears and trim is nails with no fuss. Stephen says that it was almost like he always understood that they were trying to do what was best for him. Sagan never gave them any trouble and let them do whatever to him. They could also hold him at any time and he would be okay with it. Stephen says that he would just hold Sagan and rub his belly. Then, he says that both cats don't chew wires which he is really grateful for.

It's really hard for both of them to believe that Sagan is really gone. Stephen and Mal are coming up on their 12th dating anniversary and they have had Sagan for 7 of those years. So, Sagan has been around for most of their relationship. Stephen says that he thinks of the cats as his family and that they are like his children. He always called Sagan his "furry son". Stephen talks about how there's only so much he can show on the vlogs since he can't film every minute of every day. But, when he's working upstairs there will always be a cat up there with him and that's the way it's always been. There will be a lot of times where he will have 1 cat in his lap and 1 cat on the couch behind him or by his feet. Stephen says that when he was using his old office chair, it was big enough for both cats to fit on his lap. When Stephen's eating dinner, there will always be a cat on his lap. If Stephen had to stand up to get something, Sagan would move over to the adjacent couch seat and wait for Stephen to come back. Then, Sagan would get back into his lap after Stephen sat back down.

Stephen says that even though he knows he filmed a lot over the last 7 years, he will always regret not filming more. He regrets not getting more close-up shots of Sagan's face and his little toe beans. Stephen says that he spent a lot of time with the cats every day. He would touch them, pet them, kiss them, and tell them how much he loved them. Stephen would always sing improv songs to the cats about how good they were.

Mal says that Sagan gave them the best years. They are appreciative of the time they were able to spend together with Sagan. Stephen talks about how he's grown up with cats his entire life, but he's never met a cat quite like Sagan. Stephen has always loved all animals, but he always felt like he was a cat person. Sagan made him a cat person for life. Sagan also did that for some of their friends who weren't cat people. Stephen has also read some stories about other people who got cats because of their cats which makes him feel honored. He says that cats are great and he loves them. Stephen mentions that Dan never grew up with cats, but he now he loves them. Stephen says that he's never met a cat like Sagan. He doesn't mean any ill will to Kepler as he is special and amazing in his own way. Kepler had a lot of things that were different from Sagan. Stephen says that it's been a big loss and he wasn't ready to say goodbye.

Today, Stephen thought about how the only other cat that he's had to say goodbye to was Mittens. Mittens was a farm cat that his parents had gotten and she was around before he was born. Stephen mentions that Mittens was already a few years old by the time Stephen was born and lived to be almost 20 years old. Mittens had died in February 2005. He says that Mittens was old and that they could see signs that things were beginning to shut down. Stephen wasn't able to find the exact date she died, but it was after February 23rd. He says that Sagan's passing hurt worse than Mittens' passing because he spent so much time with him. Stephen's parents mostly took care of Mittens while Stephen spent time going out and playing with friends. On the other hand, Stephen personally took care of Sagan every day. Stephen says that Mittens was old and they could tell a few months prior that she would be going soon. But, Sagan was just here. Stephen realized that Mittens' passing was also at the end of February. He says that the end of February is just not his time and that he's historically had some rough end of Februarys. Stephen says that he decided to share this story since he doesn't talk about Mittens often. He says that Mittens passed away when he was 15 years old and then his parents waited a year before they got Rocko who is now 13 years old.

Stephen apologizes for the long vlog. He doesn't expect everyone to watch the whole thing. Stephen says that a memorial service feels more appropriate when you are talking about the animal that passed, so he talked for a while. They both miss Sagan. Stephen thanks everyone for watching and coming along with them on this journey. He says that the past 10 days have been rough, but everyone's support has made it easier. Stephen says that it's been nice reading everyone's stories. He says that this was a memorial to Sagan and to who he was. Stephen is glad that they got to share Sagan with everyone and he won't let the memory of Sagan fade. They will continue to talk about him. If they find videos or photos of him that haven't been posted, then they will share it. Mal says that she has some photos that she hasn't posted. They also reached out to their friends to send anything they have of Sagan. Stephen says that Sagan's passing is not something they can just get over and that it will stick with them forever. They will just eventually get to point where they feel okay in their new normal. They will always remember Sagan and they miss him very much. They both say that Sagan was a great cat.