Baby Steps (Day 3745 - 2/25/20)

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This morning they both did Breakfast Stream. Last night, Stephen and Mallory had talked about whether they should do it or not since they knew it would be difficult. But, they thought doing Breakfast Stream might make them feel better and help give them some sense of normalcy. This stream was a bit different as they muted all alerts and weren't reading any of the alerts. They both knew that there would be a lot of people who wanted to say things and reading through those alerts would be hard for them. Currently, things are not better and not normal for them, so it's important for them to ease themselves back into normal life.

Stephen says that doing the stream was hard at the beginning, but he started feeling more comfortable as the stream went on. He says that he thinks all the viewers appreciated the fact that they did the stream. Stephen talks about how they didn't stream last Thursday, so it's been a week since they've streamed. He says that one week felt like it was a thousand years ago. Stephen says that he doesn't regret doing the stream and that it was good for them. So, they will try doing Breakfast Stream again on Thursday.

Then, he talks about how the High Heel Gang had sent them a gift certificate for a 90 minute couples massage back in October. The letter said that they knew Extra Life 2020 was coming up and they thought this gift certificate could help them relieve some of their tension before Extra Life or after Extra Life. Stephen was busy all throughout November and December, so they never got a chance to use it. After Sagan passed, they also spent a lot of time crying. Stephen and Mal are really glad that they waited to use the certificate. They called on Saturday and made an appointment for today. Stephen thanks all the people who gave them this gift certificate and apologizes that they weren't able to use it sooner. But, he's glad they didn't use it until now. Stephen says that it's been a long time since he's had a massage. He says that they probably could've used a massage regardless of whether tragedy happened or not. Stephen is curious about how the massage will go. They spent the last few days expelling their emotions, so a lot of emotions are tied up in their bodies. He says that this massage might make him cry.

They arrived at the massage parlor and got their massage. Afterwards, Stephen says that the massage was really good. He says that the last time they had a massage together it was courtesy of Alex and Hayley. Mal says that she got a massage by herself when her back was hurting. During the massage, there were times where Stephen could feel himself letting go and he started thinking about Sagan. He started reminiscing about how Sagan used to walk on his back and how Sagan would lay down on his back when he laid on his stomach on the bed. Two weeks ago, Stephen had laid down on the bed on his stomach for about 5 seconds before Sagan and Kepler went and laid down on his back. It was so interesting that Mal ended up taking a picture of it. These memories were another reminder to him about how special and wonderful Sagan was.

Stephen mentions that while they were signing in at the massage parlor, they were asked to fill out some forms about medical conditions. One of the questions asked what medical conditions they currently have and one of the options was "grieving process" which they both checked. Then, Stephen talks about how he hasn't had a massage in a long time. He says that once the masseuse started she said his muscles were really tense. The masseuse first massaged near his shoulders and his shoulders made a terrible crunching sound which he compares to the sound of crumpling a piece of paper.

Back at home, Stephen says that getting a massage was nice especially when he hasn't had one in a long time. He says that he is probably going to feel sore for about 2 days though. Stephen then talks about how he doesn't mind the physical contact part of massages, but he doesn't like getting lotion put on his body. He says that he wanted to take a shower immediately after the massage in order to get the lotion off his body.

Stephen then talks about how a package arrived today from their vet. He talks about how they had taken Sagan to their local vet on the day Sagan passed and the day before that. Stephen says that all the people at their local vet office sent a card that was signed by everyone in the office and also had messages from each of them about Sagan. One particular person at the vet office really loved Sagan and that person wrote something very special about Sagan which meant a lot to Stephen and Mal. In the package, there was also a Furry Angel Memorial Candle for Sagan. The idea behind the candle is that people who have lost pets light this candle every Monday night and treat it as a little memorial service for their pet that has passed away. They might try and do that this upcoming Monday.

Stephen says that he doesn't want to use the phrase "returning to normal" as it undermines what has happened and what is actively happening. He doesn't want to make it seem like after the grieving process is done, they will just move on afterwards. Stephen says that in order to re-establish normalcy in their lives, they will take baby steps towards doing that. It will take a long time before their lives will return to what they consider to be normal.

Stephen and Mal had Firehouse Subs delivered for dinner. While Mal was ordering, she asked if Stephen wanted a cookie to which he said no. Naturally, Mal decided to order 2 cookies anyway. They didn't eat the cookies right after dinner. Later, Stephen says that they were sitting down and having some water before bed. Mal told Stephen that they had those cookies from Firehouse Subs that they could eat right now. Stephen got excited like a child about the cookies which is ironic because he didn't want one earlier. Mal then tells Stephen "Aren't you glad I got cookies?". Stephen talks about how it's the little things that they've been looking forward to lately since every day has been filled with some sadness and grieving. So, they are trying to balance that sadness and grieving with a little happiness. Stephen thanks Mal for getting the extra cookie, but tells her not to do it again because they have a crate full of snacks and chocolates that Nicole just sent them.

Stephen says that things are getting back to normal and that they are taking baby steps towards normalcy. Breakfast Stream this morning was a big baby step for them. Stephen says that it will take some time before they will feel normal again. But, they took the first step by doing Breakfast Stream and the first step is usually the hardest step to take.